Are you your family’s fixer?

Why it’s important to take a step back when it comes to family burdens. From my own experience and perspective.

For a long time, I have felt responsible for maintaining the balance within my family. Often feeling as though I am the only one who can and will step up at the heart of a family crisis. My phone was constantly ringing, and I was often the person taking on the extra burdens whilst others seemed to do far less.

I thought this was healthy, the only person who ever really suffered was myself whilst everyone else could maintain a normality. I have a real “take it for the team” mentality, and I seemed to be able to withstand more than my fair share of stress compared to others, but just because you can do something doesn’t always mean you should.

I had a hard time saying “no” especially when pushed on the spot. With no one putting their hand up to volunteer, I felt I was the only one seeing the bigger picture and the only one who would be willing to help.

If there’s a problem I want to solve it, especially when the result benefits others. What was the result of being my family’s fixer? The result was positive for others and negative for me. Instead of using healthy boundaries, people were constantly putting on me. “You are such a strong person” was often said of me, did I feel strong? No, I felt overwhelmed, with no time to focus on my issues. My mind and my emotions became conditioned to deal with constant stress. Feeling overwhelmed became normal, my desire to do right had taken over any aspirations I had for my own life.

During lockdown, I had the chance to process everything, and dealing with that made me realise the entire thing was unhealthy. I started in small steps maintaining boundaries. Things like not answering every phone call, when I didn’t want to and needed some “me time” was a small step that led to a healthier mindset. I have learned in two years to put my needs first, that my needs are just as important as everyone else’s and that it’s okay to take a step back without feeling guilty for doing so.

In that time I made peace with the past, fixed physical ailments I had been suffering with, found a job that I enjoyed and I am benefitting from a more positive mindset. Instead of diving into the next disaster and hitting that panic button, I gave myself time to process before reacting. The outcome of that is a much healthier version of myself, who can handle stress a lot better without the “burned out” feeling.

As a kinship carer, I already deal with problems, I already do my fair share of the load. It puts me in the middle of any family problem that comes up as there’s always an impact even indirectly. If I’m not providing the solutions, maybe others will contribute more. Am I doing my family any favours by fixing everything? I used to think I was, but now I realise that this fixer may have stopped others from stepping up or making changes to get better.

If you are reading this and find yourself at the heart of every family crisis, this is me telling you that it doesnt have to be that way and you are not selfish for putting your needs first. You are no good to anyone, unless you are good to yourself. Say “no” when you need to, maintain your boundaries and dont feel responsible for every problem. You have your own life, and thats important too.

Your family does not experience your daily life, they dont see the stress you are already under and cannot begin to understand your feelings for the change your life has already gone through. This is why its crucial for you to be the one that puts yourself first. Your Kinship child will learn healthy boundaries from you, lead by example always and try and look at situations from a third party perspective. What would you say to yourself if this was happening to another person? Often the best advice is the advice we give others.

This is why I’m passing this on today, this is exactly what I needed to hear years ago!