Contact Woes – Birth parents

I remain pro-contact despite so many issues that have arisen from it. I believe as long as the birth parent can remain consistent, respectful and poses no harm to the child it should be maintained. Birth parents are essential for promoting identity development, it can also increase a child’s sense of security and if done correctly maintains bonds. The child is less likely to feel abandoned, and if birth parents take steps to turn their lives around the children can safely return home.

This sounds simple enough… So why does contact remain one of the most stressful situations that arise for Kinship carers?

As carers the child needs to be at the heart of everything we do, their safety is paramount and sometimes that means if it’s not in the best interests of the child we have to say NO. If you have a court order that stipulates contact it must be adhered to, any refusal on their part is not your responsibility. We can encourage, but essentially we cannot control the actions of other people. Nor can we make them see our way of thinking for their child.

The issue is birth parents struggle to see the negative impacts they can have on their children. They do not see the aftermath of contact. For instance, very early on with us, my little one was due to see her mum that day. I had heard from her the night before and I assumed she was still coming. We got a call 10 minutes before she was due to turn up saying she had to cancel. As my kinship child was made aware of this visit prior, she was inconsolable to this news. She cried for hours, and any attempt of cheering her up was not on the cards. For the next following weeks, her insecurities grew, she had become excessively clingy to the point her school teachers would have to physically pull her off me to attend school. Although the next visit was adhered to and went ahead smoothly. The impact of what occurred prior, to the no-show visit would still be felt for several weeks as she displayed “high anxiety levels” over contact. I explained to her birth mother the impact of this, and although she feels terrible now that was not her reaction then. I remember feeling so angry and appalled that I was explaining the feelings of her child to her and she had no sense of how damaging it was.

This however was nothing in comparison to her visits with her father. My kinship child and her father had no prior relationship as he disputed paternity. It was only during the SGO process, that paternity was confirmed by a DNA test. He had never bothered to find out the truth. He believed his paranoia as gospel despite concrete reasons why, her mother was unlikely to have had the opportunity to have a marital affair. The social services funded the DNA test and he was made privy to the SGO agreement with contact stated as part of it. Although I wondered how she would process this finally getting to know her father. I didn’t see it as a negative thing. Every child deserves to know who their father is. I will hold my hands up and admit at this point, I am a confessed daddy’s girl and I always urged the mother and father to go halves on a DNA test, but both were unwilling. I found that utterly heartbreaking, as I think of how differently it could have been if they both would have done the right thing years ago. Maybe contact would have gone more smoothly if they weren’t strangers to one another.

She had 3 visits with her father in total, all lasting no longer than two hours per visit. I had chosen a venue for contact, in my head I thought a play gym (one that allows adults to play in the ball pool with their children was the ideal place). It was at that point one of my kinship’s favourite places to visit, and I thought if it gets awkward they can just play together. Did this happen? Yes, but the adult playing was me. He mostly sat down and gulped his latte, moaning to me about how hard his life has been. I’d love to say the visits improved, but sadly they didn’t.

After this contact completely broke down. Sadly we had a bereavement in the family and it coincided with his next visit. I apologised at this time and offered him other dates that I had free between working. I then received a message a month later, requesting contact be joined up with my biological mother, her partner and the 3 other children that resided between them. What was the reason you ask? because his partner wanted to see her family on the same day! I refused his request, based on the fact my kinship child found contact stressful enough. How would she cope with all those people and children at the same time? I pointed out that it was best to adhere to what was agreed in court, and that it was essential for him and his child first develop a bond before any changes are made. I offered to pay fuel for his car so she could have her visit, or pay for his remaining children to come to the play gym to make it practically easier. They were both refused and the outcome was nasty messages, abuse and a threat of court. I tried to reason with him and explain in depth the impacts on his child after contact, her regression, her emotions and confusion. He showed zero empathy towards her, and it was at this point I knew I had to not give in to threats. I sought legal advice, looked at the SGO agreement in full and stuck to “the best interests of the child”

Now did those threats ever lead to anything? NO. He never took me to court. But that also wasn’t an end to the unpleasantness. He came up again about a year ago and spoke to my kinship child on the phone. I found out about it after she had been acting distressed for about a week for seemingly no reason whatsoever, or so I thought. He had told her “I stopped him from seeing her, blocked him and lied to her”. Next, the Facebook messages came, he was requesting contact. I asked him if he was committed to making contact work and developing a bond with her, but I also made a polite request that “adult conversations” are kept for the adults, that he be respectful and not cause discord with her parental figure with his personal opinions and that I always do that, and will continue to do so.

How did it end? Groundhog Day! Same as last time, some abuse including a complete dressing down of my entire family. My dad, my brother and my mother and another THREAT of court. He also added a remark “I will not play god with his kids” I remember being kind of impressed at that, finally he acknowledged she was indeed “his child”. He blocked me after his rant, I think so I couldn’t challenge any of the nasty hideousness the several messages contained.

Now the first time was I completely and utterly scared by this threat? Did it impact me? Absolutely yes. This time, however, a calm wave washed over me. I realised I had done it again, I had spoken up and defended my kinship child. It may not seem like a “big deal” to others, but I know first-hand how parents can poison children against the other parent and how utterly devastating that is when you are still developing who you are. Thinking you come from nothing but negativity, is a horrible feeling. That’s why I have NEVER said any of my opinions to my kinship child about her parents. Her parents are her identity, and any opinions she has about them need to be her own from her mind.

Did I feel heartbroken that once again it led to this for my kinship child? Yes, I did I apologised to her. I knew also I had to be honest with her. I said “I had asked your dad if he was going to commit to seeing you, and I asked him to not say things to you that you find upsetting” She replied “Because I’ve been very upset over it, I don’t want him to. That makes sense. Did he agree?” I explained that he didn’t, and he got cross with me. I then made a plethora of excuses for why he might have reacted the way he did. She then said something and I was blown away by it, “Well that’s ok, if he can’t put me first I don’t want him in my life and it’s his loss”. There she was my strong little mini-me at that moment. Know your worth little one, you’re truly his greatest loss.

Balancing contact is a hard thing. I still don’t feel like I have the right to say no to something that involves their children. I do, however, have the right to challenge and try to set a good example. I maintain that boundaries must be upheld too. Respect is truly a two-way street, and unfortunately, sometimes you can’t teach others how to walk it.

I will say one thing though her mother has massively stepped up recently, and I have increased contact and her involvement. It just goes to show that contact can be a positive thing. When everyone adheres to the “best” outcomes for the child. Does she get everything right? No, but she now comes to me for advice and follows it. Their relationship is healthy, and it’s thriving. I couldn’t ask for more, and she’s gained my respect.

So what can we take from this? Contact can work and fail for numerous reasons. Boundaries are crucial, and Kinship carers are the ones that set them. Be your Kinship child’s best advocate and never be bullied! You know what’s best for the children you know and love unconditionally every day!