Pre-teen things that are perfectly imperfectly normal!

Pre-teens. Are. Mental! Here are a few things I’ve learned this week.

• 1. Do not make direct eye contact with your pre-teen. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. Pretend they are Medusa. Glances are staring. There is no in-between. Approach with caution.

2. Taste buds change weekly according to my pre-teen who eats bland beige foods and doesn’t care about the human body and how to fuel it properly. I consider it criminal to have a Subway sandwich so bland! Won’t even try a meatball marinara, which is criminal. Have it your way indeed. Bland.
3. Your make-up is unsafe, although not always to wear. Sometimes they are there to make potions and mark the walls like cavemen. I hope it’s a secret ritual deep down to help me pay for the countless products she has wasted. If she touches my Clarins though we may need to go to war.
4. They use phrases like “bombastic side eye” which is one of the better things they say. Mostly to remind you of the hideous phrases you used to say at that age. Like “chicken nuggets” which used to be shouted at high school for reasons I still do not know. At least this one makes sense. Beats the “What’s your name?” I get asked “You know my name you live with me” which is not the correct response. Pretend she has amnesia then it makes sense and you know use the “bombastic side eye”
5. You realise this generation is completely odd to yours. you hear often “You can’t say that it’s offensive” because you muttered “tramp” under your breath whilst rescuing mouldy cups from the pig sty, they call a room. It’s illegal to label “Well, clean your room then. simple” That would stop me from gagging from the smell and thus saying “tramp”
6. They cry a lot. Tissues at the ready at all times. Over everything and anything. Like a woman with PMS turned up to the maximum of emotional irrationality. Choose your battles wisely, you never know when the next emotional outburst might happen. Hearing the word “no” is often a direct trigger.
7. They talk on the phone to their friends on loudspeaker. All the time. LOUD But somehow get annoyed when you’re on the phone and have deployed the same tactics. If you can’t beat them join them!
8. Their fashion sense changes. At the moment we are rocking the “homeless look” and we are deathly scared of brushes and you know soap.
9. They get shocked when you recognise what they deem “their music” and know it word for word. Oh, sweet summer child, I listened to this song before you were even born.
10. They have glimpses of being their child self again or really mature. Both make you a little sad. But excited as you know this period will pass and they will be cool adults eventually.

Here’s to the next chapter. Warts and all!🍾 🥃