This blog post is not to be taken seriously but does include real-life occurrences. I hope, if you have a tween you can hopefully relate to some of this!
- Insults have changed since my day – “she called me a pick me” my kinship child cries! Me: She thinks you’re a brand of foundation how odd. Technically you would be pick me – shade: Olive. This was the moment I realised her sense of humour had left the building. How can you get offended over that little one? After a quick trip to the urban dictionary, I was enlightened. Hey, at least these kids aren’t using profanity. A lot more creative than we were. Top marks.
- Sussy backer – What on earth is that? I still don’t know. Someone who is “sus” sus is her favourite word everything and anything is sus. I’m always “sus” apparently. Keeps her on her toes I guess…
- why do they have to learn sex education in great detail so young? My Kinship child has no fear and no filter either. She’s also desperate to be an Auntie “Do the devil’s tango 30x and boom baby” she says.
please. Make. it. Stop. Also why 30x? 30x = baby apparently. Womb whisperer? What on earth is going on? Also if she declares one more time to the whole of Morrison’s that I need “pads for my vagina” I may die. Top tip: shop online! - Sad arse music – Are you depressed? No. So why are you playing music that belongs at funerals? If you are going to play your music loud, which doesn’t bother me. Can you please play something more upbeat? 99 red balloons? Nope. Her choice is Meghan Trainor. on repeat. All day. OK GOOGLE “Stop playing Meghan Trainor for the love of god” Apparently she plays Oasis when I’m out, but doesn’t want to give me the satisfaction of knowing she likes my music. Erm. You just told me… Decent tunes, please.
- Do you support the LGBTQ+ community? My kinship asks. Yes, I do. She explains she’s gay. Very well then. Now she’s not a gender at the moment. She’s a toaster. Asking her to make me toast was not the correct response. Neither was saying a kettle would be better as I’m gagging for a cuppa. In all seriousness I’ve told her whatever she is, is fine as long as she is true to herself. But she is too young. Humour for now wins.
- School is hard you have no idea what I’m going through? Newsflash I’ve been to school. I didn’t like school then, but I look back and realise they were the best times. Try and tell her that. “We have to carry planners, we get comments and homework” As did I, you will live. Apparently, she won’t and nothing I say will change it. I’m too positive. Blah blah blah. Just let her moan. Do not call your tween moaning myrtle I did, and it was ill-advised despite the uncanny voice tone resemblance.
- Hormones. Hormones. Hormones. Everything is hormones fault according to her. She can’t help it she’s an emotional wreck. Aye, you are. Luckily for me, I’m relatively stable even during more hormonal periods of a lady’s cycle. Or we would be in BIG trouble. Although should things get very bad I will take all offers of refuge and anything with alcohol content.
- Prepare to be the bad guy – you are so unfair, you are too strict. That’s my job. I don’t wake up thinking “Hey I wonder how I can get her angry for the day” I do however correct disrespect, rudeness and ungratefulness. I’m not here to be your friend. I’m here to teach you right from wrong. You may not like it, you may not like me at times. But tough, actions have consequences. Learn it now, not later.
- They tell you you treat them like a baby still, but can’t handle independence! Is your bag packed for school? Yes. Have you made your lunch? Yes. Cool awesome. Except they haven’t. A quick check will show you their lunch is a slice of bread, and mostly anything remotely unhealthy from the fridge. Their bag has nothing they need in it. They are a cross between capable, and extremely lazy. They don’t want you to do it, but they don’t do it right.
- Eero is your best friend – I can cut just my teen’s internet devices off with one click. Side note: she hates this and can cause some tantrums. But using a schedule, your child’s internet automatically cuts off. Forcing them to join the “real” world and leave their technological one behind. I have a habit of pausing it when she’s at her most irritating. It’s effective and costs nothing after you set it up. Do not suggest playing Kirby as an alternative, they will trash the whole concept of it as “lame” shattering your 90s childhood heart into tiny pieces. Brutal 👊
Confessions of a Kinship Carer 