Dear Reader,
This is a hard one for me to write, and I may even shed a few tears whilst I frantically slam my fingers at the keyboard to do this one justice.
One of the most heartbreaking things is realising as a carer the impact on your kinship child’s mental health, we can’t bandage this child up and expect them to heal. No matter what we do, at times it seems it’s not enough to make the child feel secure and it can often feel as though you are failing them.
I first came across “attachment disorder” 6 years ago when my Kinship child was struggling and her school first used the term. Suddenly a whole range of things I noticed had finally made sense. If you are unaware of attachment disorder in children it can display such a wide range of issues for the child. My kinship child had frequent night terrors, she would wake up screaming and terrified. She had poor friendship groups, no remorse, was frequently emotional, paddying that would last for hours, had poor eating habits, stealing, lying, was overly friendly with strangers, very clingy with me to the point id be cooking tea with her attached to my legs and extremely sensitive often seeing touch as a physical threat to her.
As a parent, you have no idea how to tackle such a wide range of issues, and you certainly fear doing anything to make it worse. It is often stressful to deal with, heartbreaking to watch and often not made better by biological parents. These range of things my kinship child displayed were made worse by contact breakdown. I had tried my best to keep the contact going with her biological parents and make it as consistent as I could. Did they understand the impact on their child? Sadly not, as frequent “no shows” or disagreements on how contact should be carried out for the child’s best interests turned into a complete contact breakdown. I remember thinking how do I explain to this little girl that her parent has pulled out of seeing her? I offered everything I could to keep it going, I knew how important it was for her to maintain the parental bonds even if it was at a safe distance. This made the attachment disorder worse, and this is when it was at its most severe.
Do attachment issues get better?
They can and do, but not consistently. My kinship child is now 12, and some of the signs are still present, but not always at once. She has made considerable progress in some areas, most notably she can now form attachments to others. She benefits from routine, lots of mental health talks at home that we call “checking in time”, a good relationship with the extended family, and above all consistency. These children have a realisation that the world isn’t safe for them from a tender age, and because their basic needs aren’t met early on in their lives. They develop a view of the world, and behaviours to help them cope with it, albeit the coping mechanisms of attachment disorder are not always healthy ones.
What is the best thing to do if i suspect my kinship child has attachment issues?
Find support first and foremost, make the school aware of the things you notice at home. Make notes and make them often, and see if there are patterns. Pastoral teams in primary/secondary schools should check in with your Kinship child and this can help not only the child develop a bond at school, but a safe feeling at school. Feeling safe is key for these children! Be consistent, mean what you say and have firm boundaries. Carve out a routine for your kinship child so they know what’s coming next. Not only do these things prepare the child for change it avoids anxiety! Provide reassurance often that the child is safe and loved. When they have fears, make it known that the monster under their bed would be afraid of you and that you are willing to keep them safe and nothing “no monster” could change that.
These children may have had circumstances where they have grown up before their time, some children can develop self-reliance and independence that developed through that “unsafe” feeling. Celebrate and commend them on their independence, but at the same time create opportunities so they can feel like a child. Let them be silly, let them play with water in the garden and make potions. Encourage them to play and play often. Give them healthier coping mechanisms and model through your behaviour how you overcome difficulties. Be the healthy role model they always needed and give it time.
“Celebrate every victory they make, no matter how small”
My kinship child used to ask often if I was coming back home or if I was going to be there after school to pick her up in the first year of placement, her voice would wobble every time she asked it used to break my heart that this poor child honestly feared I was going to abandon her when id just is leaving for work. I’d see her smile, and dash to me every time she realised that I was indeed coming back for her. She hasn’t doubted my commitment to her since that time, and for me knowing that little girl had built trust was the most rewarding feeling ever! I had earned that trust, I always showed up and for her, that security made her happy. It just takes time…
Time is your best friend in this scenario! Above all give your Kinship child time and give yourself time too, as you show this child unconditional love and support. Celebrate every victory they make, no matter how small! Remember you are doing ALL you can, and that is enough.
Comment section: Does your Kinship child suffer from attachment issues? Share your experience below to help others.
Confessions of a Kinship Carer 