At the very start everything I worried about seems so superficial now”
I remember the day my Kinship came to stay so vividly it almost seems like yesterday with how easily I can recall every little detail. Was I prepared for this change? If you class 24 hours’ notice as prepared, then yes I was prepared. Truth be told I’m not sure I could ever have been prepared for the outcome and I certainly did not know what to expect in the early days of Kinship.
I worried over the simplest of things at the very beginning, things like where will the child sleep. How will I get her to school? These things all seemed like a big deal at the time, but with a sprinkle of hindsight, these were very small things in comparison to the bigger picture that was ahead. It seemed temporary, I was expecting her birth mother to make a full recovery and I thought i was just “stepping in” that role momentarily.
I laid awake at night, giving myself that one-to-one pep talk that I could do this and fit in as a temporary parental figure and make sure the child was happy and safe. I made that my one mission everything and anything would be about her, sometimes too much so. I was so scared of making mistakes. I had never been a parent, and I was often hard on myself as a result.
“I was so hopeful in the beginning that she would return to her parent”
After about a year, I realised this was not a temporary arrangement. I kept seeing little signs of progress from her birth mother, but it wasn’t enough for her child to return to her full-time. The sadness of that realisation was not lost on me.
“Faced with court orders, it had happened the ever fleeting feeling of reality”
I had settled into my new life quite comfortably at this time. My Kinship child felt like she belonged and our relationship had noticeably changed from sisters to a more mother and child relationship at times I took the role of disciplinarian and sole caregiver. I at times hated this change in dynamic and I would miss just being her “sister”. We faced many issues head-on, she had so much faith in me and looked at me like a superhero. I couldn’t and wouldn’t fail her.
“How will this change the dynamic for my family?”
But now what will happen… Our social worker after 18 months had announced it was time to secure a permanence for my Kinship child. I had questions that led to deep personal inner turmoil. How will this change the dynamic of my own family? Will others in my family resent my decision to attain a court order? Will the biological parents of my Kinship think I took her away from them? Will my Kinship resent the decision I made on her behalf? Will members of my extended family accept my Kinship child and respect my decision? Can I at 23, with so much I want to achieve be able to provide enough?
“The SGO was not the recommended order from social care”
There were two options in terms of court orders, a CAO (child arrangement order) and an SGO (special guardianship order). I researched every detail of these orders. I knew it had to be “right” for my Kinship child. 18 months she had been placed with me, and I could never guarantee her it was permanent. It was extremely hard, and I recognised how much anxiety that caused her. I could finally change that, and I went for the order that gave me more freedom to make decisions on her behalf and the one that offered more stability moving forward. The SGO was not the recommended order from social care, but I considered the implications of not having a “final say” with two birth parents who were both unable to make the right decisions for their child, due to mental health issues. I knew I had to be her “voice” and make the right decision for her future. 5 years on I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. It is also by far my greatest achievement as a person! It took a great deal of bravery, to against family members. I only realise just how brave I was now, because despite being completely petrified I did not take the easiest option. Just the best one for her long term!
Question for the reader: If you could go back and give yourself any advice, what would you say to the past you? When did you realise your Kinship child had evolved into a permanent placement?
Thank you for reading!
Confessions of a Kinship Carer 