10 Things You Can Expect In The Early Stages Of Kinship Care

     Here are some helpful tips of what to expect in the first year of Kinship care.

• The honeymoon period – The children you care for at this stage, may not act the same way they will after the first year. Children are adaptable, but short term you will not see the true impact of how the loss impacts them. This will come later, be vigilant and note any changes in their usual behaviour/demeanour.
  
• Expect to feel like a secretary – Your diary will be full of appointments. The child may receive school visits, that you will need to be present for. You will have meetings with the schools’ pastoral team to outline support. You may also have home meetings and phone calls with social care often. It can feel overwhelming at times, please allow yourself time to switch off from the duties to best protect your mental health.
  
• Anxiety – As a new carer the main feeling is anxiousness, you have no idea what is to come next. The lack of information does start to get to you, and you may withdraw from your friends, partners and family as you can experience overwhelm often. You feel that no one will understand how you feel, and you may find it difficult to open up to others. You also have no idea what your short-term/longer-term family setup will look like. You may have also experienced financial woes and job changes as you try to adapt your life to best support an extra dependent.

• Frustration – The frustration can be overwhelming as it comes from so many different people/organisations. You may experience clashes with your social worker/family as you discuss future arrangements and decisions for the child. Communicating with your social worker can also be a hard process, you can experience a change of social worker at any given moment and the dreaded “I’m on annual leave” email that you always seem to receive when you need help the most.

• Adaptability – You will realise just how strong and adaptable you are to change and it’s lucky as you will experience it often. There is an empowering feeling when you do the right thing, regardless of the toll it takes on you. You won’t quit, you won’t give up and you will keep moving forward even if at times it doesn’t feel like you are. It’s all part of your and your little ones’ journey, you will do whatever it takes and whatever needs to be done.

• Pressures on relationship – If you have a partner you may find that the role you have both filled, is in some ways bringing you closer together. However, as the stress continues you may clash and disagree on the next steps and what decisions to make together. I implore all couples reading this, to carve out some “you” time, together and apart even if it’s just an hour and do not let the placement dominate all you discuss even when it feels like it’s dominating most areas. Take time to be yourself and feel yourself whenever you can.

• Support changes – In the first few months everyone may rally to help you, even family members you only ever see at weddings/funerals may suddenly make contact. Your friends without children may offer their support in the early stages, however, this doesn’t always last. Some friends may feel guilt, and may stop asking you to “come out” or for that girly coffee morning, you normally share. They may feel bad when you cannot make it due to your change in circumstance and may stop asking you to avoid your hurt. I urge you to keep in contact with your friends, keep them close! Even if it is only a phone call, you need to feel like you still have the support of others. It can be surprising how much you can forget your old life whilst you settle into your new one. Friends with children do become the most relatable, during this time you can lose and make new friends along the way.

• Get ready for the very awkward questions – “Why does your child not call you mum/dad?” “Why did you not tell me you had a little one?” And the worst one is “Where are the child’s parents?” Not only are these questions hard for you to answer, but imagine your little one trying to process them too! I’d love to say that everyone deploys tact, but sometimes curiosity truly gets the better of people. Practice shutting down people like this, when you need to. You and your little one owe strangers no answers, especially ones that are not your usual small talk with strangers. Your main focus is to comfort and guide your little one. One of my favourite things to say in times of great need is “Families come in all shapes, sizes and variations, but the love is the same”. Teach your little one to never feel ashamed, they have the SAME love and tell them you love them often and they do not have to answer if they don’t want to

• Decisions with time limits – Do not feel pressured into agreeing to everything the local authority suggests out of fear. They may press you for answers but do not rush until you are 1000% sure on every decision. Always ask for more information if you need it, never take the lesser offer and always do your research before you agree to anything. Put you and the little one at the forefront of every decision you make. Sometimes the best decisions take time, and you have time.

• Court orders – In the first year court orders were mentioned for me and if there’s any advice I can pass on to you it is to do your research. It is a very LONG process! Make sure all communications are via email at this point relating to this, you need a reference to make sure EVERYTHING has been discussed and agreed upon. Focus on contact with birth parents and whether the local authority will be offering an allowance when the court order is agreed upon. These two areas are crucial for the future. Make sure you get everything agreed in the court document, then if you suffer a contact breakdown you will know where you best stand. The main court orders are a CAO and a SGO, the SGO gives you the final say on decisions for the child. Do not be talked into taking any order until you know the practicalities of both. You can go for a different order than the one the local authority seems to favour, all you have to do is explain why the order is the best one for the child’s long-term future.

Thank you for reading, and please feel free to comment below!